Men Don’t Need Therapists, They Need Other Men

Men Don’t Need Therapists, They Need Other Men

The male specific issues the great majority of men struggle with are related to divorce, dating, relationships, marriage, unemployment, raising children, and their inability to access and communicate their feelings. Each of these issues can best be resolved in small, confidential groups with other men. It’s entirely unnecessary for men to get into individual therapy if they’re struggling with these issues. What I’ve learned over twenty years working with men is that under the right conditions, men are eminently capable of working together to resolve the issues mentioned. Therapists don’t play any role in this work.

Getting into therapy to resolve any of these issues is wrong on two fronts. First, therapy is expensive, but even that would be okay if therapy were a reliable, successful solution for men’s issues. It isn’t by any stretch. Second, male therapists don’t know any more about manhood issues than laymen. Male therapists struggle with all the same issues other men struggle with because therapy has no relevance dealing with the issues mentioned. In fact, male therapists’ training in psychology is irrelevant. Men have to assume the responsibility for their own emotional well-being.

Every single man who dug deep and did the work in my men’s group changed his behavior by working through his issues with other men. That’s worth repeating. Every single man who did the work, succeeded. There are no therapists who have anywhere near that level of success dealing with men’s issues. And worse, when therapists lead men’s groups, they are no longer men’s groups, but group therapy instead. Therapists, who lead men’s group, rob the men in that group of the opportunity to resolve their issues together and learn about themselves in the process.

Men’s groups don’t require a leader of any kind, therapist or otherwise. There’s no necessity for leadership because men can succeed far better without one. Leading men’s groups is a business for therapists, and men’s groups should never be about business. A man in a therapist led group pays for each facilitated meeting he attends, and that’s simply wrong. When men share their real life experiences on an emotional level, the results are vastly superior to any psychological help. Men are flesh and blood, not statistics or case studies, and every man in a men’s group should be an equal. When a leader assumes a role of authority, the men in the group become his patients or clients, and considering that therapists don’t know any more about their manhood than any other men, that’s just wrong-headed.

The work men accomplish in small groups of eight is different from group therapy. All of the work is related to men teaching each other what appropriate male behavior means and how to become better men. They accomplish this through the emotional sharing of their experiences. A man going through a divorce doesn’t need a therapist to tell him he’s in pain or that he should focus on how he’s feeling. What that man can benefit most from is hearing from other men who have gone through divorce who can share, on an emotional basis, how they felt, what they did that worked, and what didn’t work. He can hear how other men in his situation handled the devastating fallout from divorce. That man’s pain, anger, child rearing fears, dating, and ex-wife problems, can be best addressed by men who suffered them, worked through them, and moved beyond them. That information is invaluable, and is as available as the next time the group meets. Men have been meeting together in small groups like mine for decades, albeit in small numbers.

Shared emotional experience isn’t the same as advice, because it’s entirely based on what a man feels, not what he thinks. Advice has nothing to do with feelings. Advice is an opinion, and typically begins with the words, “You should”. Advice is the lowest form of conversation because opinions are debatable. A man sharing how he feels is not offering his opinion. His feelings are his absolute truth. No one can argue about a man’s feelings because that information is authentic when it comes from his heart, not his head.

The difficulty is getting men to realize the enormous value of what they already know. Eight, forty-year old men sitting together can share over three hundred years of real life experience. That’s an encyclopedia of male behavior a group can tap. Nothing is as relevant and real as men sharing their stories on an emotional level.

What most men expect or think is true about men’s group is incorrect. Men avoid emotional intimacy with each other because they have grown weary from years of listening to men who typically offer them lots of advice, judgment, and criticism. Men don’t trust each other because of how they have been treated by other men. There’s no trust in shallow relationships. Men learn it’s best to keep their problems to themselves to avoid an onslaught of advice.

Advice has no place in a men’s group. Men join groups to hear other men speak from their hearts, not their heads. There’s too much noise in their lives already to waste time listening to more gratuitous advice. Men want and deserve better. When men belong to a small, confidential group with other men who care about them, they feel safe unloading the emotional burdens that fester in their souls. They learn to open their hearts and speak from a place most men can’t or won’t because they don’t know how and have never felt safe enough to try. They also make authentic friends, and for many men, this is a first.

No man in a men’s group has to face his painful life’s issues alone, ever again. The sense of comfort knowing that seven other men truly care what happens to him and who speak their truths from their hearts to him can’t be quantified. It’s that big. Trust is a huge part of being in a men’s group, and that trust is unbreakable and enduring. The wimpy men are those who ignore their issues and continue to inflict them on everyone around them. The heroes are the men who face their issues and resolve them. That takes courage.

If you’re a man who feels he might benefit from sharing your issues with other men, my website contains information regarding how to join or start a group. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Being a lone wolf is emotional suicide. There’s value beyond your imagination in joining the pack. Join or start a men’s group and become a better man.

For twenty years, author and lecturer Ken Solin has helped men move beyond the issues that limit their lives. Both men and women follow Ken since his work is primarily about relationships.

Discover the Best Places to Meet Single Men

Discover the Best Places to Meet Single Men

With the growing population of single women, dating and finding Mr. Right could be a real challenge. The common question of these single women is “Where to find eligible men?” Knowing the best places to meet single men could be very helpful in finding your dream man.

Being single has its benefits but of course most women want to eventually meet someone they can share their life with. If you’ve been single for a long time now and wondering why you haven’t met the one you’ve been waiting for, maybe you have to do something other than just waiting.

There are places where singles can be found. So what are the best places to meet single men?

Church. One of the best places to meet single men is in the church. What could be better than meeting a single decent guy who shares the same and faith as yours? Finding your dream man in a holy place will take away most of your doubts if you share the same values and beliefs about relationships and raising a family. Attending church regularly is one of the best ways to meet your future lifetime partner. Even if you don’t see a single guy who immediately catches your attention, you can make friends with other regular churchgoers who may have single siblings, children, friends, etc. Making new friends in the church can help you widen your network and your chances of meeting single men. But of course your main reason for going to church is to worship God.

Singles bar. This is one of the best places to meet single men and one of the oldest ways of meeting eligible men but it may not be the best place to find men who want to commit. Sure there are lots of single men on pubs or bars and a couple of beers can help you muster the courage to talk to some of them but you also have to be realistic that the influence of alcohol or being tipsy on your first meeting could send the wrong message to those guys. The worst case is meeting a guy who is just looking for a drunken hook-up which is not exactly the guy you are looking for. Many guys go to bars just to hook-up and they are not looking for someone to date but do not be disheartened, the opportunity to meet your Mr. Right in singles bars is always there but at the same time you have to be realistic. This first meeting could end up to a one night stand, casual dating or if you are really lucky, a long-term relationship. Instead of just being a couch potato on a Friday night, going to bars could be fun and could give you the chance of meeting single guys that could be your future boyfriend.

Online singles chat rooms and dating sites. This may not be one of the best places to meet single men, but this route should not be ignored. Single women who want to get into a relationship usually want to look for eligible men in the community they live in but sometimes they are too busy with work or there are circumstances that don’t allow them to find Mr. Right in their area. With the increasing number of busy single women around the world, going online is the most practical way for them to meet other people. If you will choose this route, make sure that you know the safety precautions of meeting people online to protect yourself. The result could be extremes, you could meet a psycho or you could meet a decent guy who could be a potential boyfriend or husband. There are many reputable chat rooms and online dating sites so make sure to choose one that will give you the best results and at the same time will take care of your security. But above all, you have to know that you are the best person who can take care of yourself online.

Shopping malls or supermarkets. This is one of the best places to meet single men and chances are, you will meet eligible men living in your area. Going to shopping malls and supermarkets can be fun and can be an avenue to meet lots of people including single men of course. Visiting the men’s section, the tools or hardware section, gadgets, tech and appliances section can give you a better chance to meet single guys. Being a woman, it is natural for you to ask help about men’s products you are looking for. Of course you have to think of a good reason why you are there just in case a cute guy approached and asked you. One good reason is shopping for a gift for your brother or your father. The grocery section is also a good place to meet single men because like you, single men especially those living on their own do their own grocery shopping.

Bookstores and book clubs. If you love reading, one of the best places to meet single men is in the bookstores. It would be nice to meet someone with the same interest as yours. Since you both love books and reading, you have plenty of topics to talk about. You could also meet single guys through book clubs. The good thing about like-minded people is that they can easily gel with each other so you might end up having coffee together while talking about your common interest.

In your workplace or in the office. Office romance is not something new and there are many people who date or marry people of the same work or profession as theirs. Doctors marry doctors, lawyers to lawyers, accountants to accountants and office workers to another office worker simply because they are together everyday and they understand each other’s work. Do not look too far because your Mr. Right might be in the next cubicle right in front of you.

Community or charity services. Of course the only reason to do community or charity service is that you want to give back to the community but it is inevitable to meet new people since this kind of activity involves other people. Good things happen to good people and who knows, your good deeds might actually turn into a good fortune of finding your dream man. But even if you don’t end up meeting the guy of your dreams, at the end of the day, you know that you’ve done something good to others. There are plenty of community and charity services that you can do like a blood drive, food drive, cleaning campaign, programs for senior citizens, environmental projects, youth programs, helping other kids, helping animal shelters, etc.

Parties with friends and weddings. Your friends can help you find a man. One of the best places to meet single men is through attending weddings and parties with mutual friends. Hanging out with friends in parties and weddings will give you the chance to meet the friends of your friends. Meeting single men through mutual friends is a great way to expand your network of friends. With a broad network of friends, it will be easier to meet the man you are looking for.

In the gym or sports activities. It is common for men to be physically active and to be involved in physical fitness activities. Most men want to be physically fit and the best place to keep their body fit is in the gym or doing outdoor sports or physical activities. Many of these men who are very concerned about their physique are single men. One of the best places to meet single men is in the gym or outdoor sports activities. Participating in sports or physical activities like bowling, golf, rock climbing or joining a running club can help you meet healthy single men.

Workshops or training schools. Cooking lessons, acting workshops, dance classes, photography classes are some of the best places to meet single men. Doing this is like hitting two birds in one stone. You can learn new skills and you can meet new people including single men who are interested on the same things you are into. Meeting single men with the same interest as yours can be really exciting. You have more things to talk about and you can do things together.

Beach. Although the beach may not be one of the ideal places to meet single men, there are romances that started meeting their soulmate on the beach. Men do not usually go alone on the beach, some go with their families, some with their wives or girlfriends but some go with their male friends. If you love the water and loves walking by the seashore, there is nothing wrong going to the beach and who knows you might bump into one of those group of single guys having fun on the beach. Love can be found in the most unexpected place.

Art exhibits and museums. People who love arts are romantic people and they could be the best dates. Art exhibits and museums are two of the best places to meet single men. There are studies that guys who enjoy viewing arts and cultural pieces in galleries and museums are happier and in better shape physically and psychologically than those who don’t visit these places. Going to museums and art exhibits will give you the chance to meet single men.

Parks. This is a very common place where people go to relax and get some fresh air and of course, one of the best places to meet single men. Some people go to the park to jog in the morning or during lunch breaks. Some spend their weekends reading a book, doing stuffs on their gadgets or simply sitting on the bench watching other people. Some people go to the park to walk their dog which is a great way to attract single men who are also pet lovers.

Waiting for the right man to come to you may not be applicable in today’s generation where eligible men have become a rare specie and the number of single ladies is getting bigger. If you keep waiting, chances are, you’ll end up single for a long time. Your dream man maybe somewhere out there doing his thing and meeting new people, including women or potential girlfriends while you are just sitting there waiting for him to find you. Why not go out and visit the places mentioned above where you can find nice single men to zest up your dating life and meet your dream man?

Fifteen False Fabrications About Gay Men

Fifteen False Fabrications About Gay Men

Gay men…

… are emotional, tidy and have a sense for beauty.

There are just as many varieties of gay men than there are varieties of straight men. Some of us are hairdressers, beauticians, and nurses, but on the other hand some of us are plumbers, electricians and builders. Sorry, it takes all types.

… abuse drugs.

People from different genders, races, colours, creeds, and sexual orientation abuse drugs, and people from exactly the same groups do not. It is true that gay people are at risk of abusing drugs, but this is related to the pressure they have to endure from homophobes. In fact all people from minority groups tend to be at risk of abusing drugs.

… are attracted to all men.

Just like straight men, gay men have their own unique preferences. Some are attracted to more feminine men and others to butch men. Many of us have enjoyed the humorous situation where straight men realize you are gay and appear as if they want to run away. What makes it really funny is when you tell them that they aren’t your type they almost look offended. There are some gay men who will go for straight men and enjoys the challenge in some way, but in my experience gay men are mostly attracted to other gay men.

… are all feminine Queens.

I always laugh at this one. Most people who meet me will never know that I am gay, because I do not fit the bill. Guys like me are never teased about their sexuality because everybody can see that we are straight. The joke is that I am not, and many of the feminine guys you know, are probably straight. In fact there is no difference between the proportion of feminine men among homosexual men and the proportion of feminine men amongst straight men. If you see a feminine guy the chance are fifty/fifty that he is straight or gay.

… are obsessed with sex.

If this refers to the general joke that ladies make about men, then yes, like all other men gays are sexual beings. If it refers to the idea that all homosexual men are promiscuous and can’t be part of a monogamous relationship, it is false. Many of us are in long relationships despite the fact that it was against the law to get married and still is in many places. We differ in our sexual behavior just as much as and even more than straight men. There are for instance more voluntary celibate gay men than celibate straight men.

HIV/AIDS is Gods punishment for gay men.

HIV/AIDS is a disease that spreads through sexual encounters of all people. The ones who are especially at risk are those with many sexual partners. If a gay man has many partners he is definitely at risk, but no more than the straight guy who does the same. If God wanted to punish gay people with a disease, HIV/AIDS would not be the best choice because it spreads among everybody. Unfortunately also among medical workers who tends to sick people and did not deserve to be punished for other people’s sins.

… are not relationship-oriented.

The idea that gays are not interested in long-term relationships is ridiculous. If that were the case why are they fighting for same-sex marriages? The fact that many of us choose to have long-term relationships despite the prejudice, just shows how strong many gays feel about their relationships.

Male homosexuality is caused by traumatic childhood.

There are ample studies that favor the idea that people are born gay. Many gay people had wonderful childhoods. If a traumatic childhood was to blame it would stand to reason that all the kids from such a family would be gay and yet that is not the case at all. As for the idea that gay men were molested as children – there is no evidence to support such a theory.

… are child molesters

Research favors exactly the opposite. Most child molesters are in fact straight. Being gay and being a pedophile has absolutely nothing in common. The one are attracted to the same-sex and the other to children – often the sex does not matter.

Two gay men can’t raise healthy children.

Many children are raised by a single parent and turns out more than okay. In some cases it is a woman who raises these kids and sometimes it is a man. Research fails to suggest that either woman or men does a better job. It differs from person to person. Many children were raised by two gay fathers and there is no evidence that these children were traumatized by it. New research even suggests that children raised by same-sex parents are better adapted.

… frequent the same gay clubs.

Just like some straight couples love clubbing, some gay couples like it as well, but most gay people do not go to gay clubs.

All gay men live according to a certain “gay lifestyle”

I have never found the exact definition of what the above actually means. Some tell me it relates to the free life gay men lives – I have yet to discover what freedom that is. Other tells me that it refers to our good taste. Not all gay men have good taste, not even the feminine ones among us. One person told me it refers to the extravagance. Somehow it seems that gay men are all rich. That is an over-generalization second to none.

All gay men and just gay men practice anal sex, referred to in the Bible as sodomy.

In the first place there are many gay men who do not engage in anal sex and who do not enjoy it at all. Secondly there are many straight couples who do enjoy anal sex more than genital intercourse. The idea that the sin of the people of Sodom was anal sex is also a misconception that I would not go into for the purpose of this list.

Being gay is a choice that some men make.

As the famous slogan goes, if I chose to be gay, when did you choose to be straight? Most straight men get nauseated by the idea of a gay relationship. Obviously they did not choose to be gay; they can’t even consider the idea. The truth is that they were born straight and the mere thought of having a gay relationship makes them sick. This isn’t true about all straight men, but about many. In exactly the same way some gay men get nauseated by the idea of a straight relationship. Nobody chose to be gay – you are born that way. Nobody in his right mind will choose a life where the majority of the population reject your choice.

… are against Christianity and family values

Although most churches went out of their way over the years to alienate gay people, there are still many gay Christians in this world. In fact, because of the alienation some gay people even started their own gay denominations. If any group was alienated like that, they would have said goodbye to Christianity and unfortunately many gay people did. Many gay people clearly state that they do not have a problem with God, but with his disciples. This myth is actually the opposite of the truth because the truth is that many Christian churches are against gay people and not the other way around. Not all people are religious and not all people are Christians and that has nothing to do with sexual orientation. As for family values, all gay people were raised in families and many of us still enjoy the safety and love we receive from our family. Some of us are against families yes, but that is mostly those who were rejected by their own family.

Discover the Things Men Find Irresistible In Women

Discover the Things Men Find Irresistible In Women

There are some women who are naturally guy magnets but the rest of the women population find it hard to attract the opposite sex. You may think that a beautiful face and body will do the trick of pleasing the opposite sex but it is a fact that although there are men that are only after the physical appearance of women, there are still beautiful women who find it hard to attract men and there are average looking women who attract men like magnets. It is obvious that there are men who are looking for more than just physical looks. If you want to be successful with men, you have to know the things men find irresistible.

So what are the things men find irresistible?

One of the things men find irresistible in women is her sense of humor. Laughter is a reliever to a stressful day or to a tired mind and body. It is also an icebreaker on awkward situations. A woman’s laughter is a sexy sound that most men want to hear. Laughter is contagious, making the ambiance lighter and happy. One of the things men find irresistible is a woman’s ability to find humor in everyday situation making everybody’s mood lighter and happy. Who wouldn’t want to be around such woman? Being a worrier or being too serious is a turn off for most men. Men need women who are lighthearted and know how to laugh with others.

A woman’s independence is also one of the things men find irresistible. While it is true that acts of chivalry make a woman’s heart flutter and men want to protect and do things for women, most men are still amazed to see women who are independent. Women who are too dependent on men and too needy can be a great turn off. It is admirable to see women who are self-sufficient and independent. An independent woman has her own life too and knows herself better. She knows what she want and capable of realizing what she want. Of course an independent woman doesn’t have any problem receiving help because we all need a hand from time to time. Who doesn’t need help once in a while? Being independent is different from being arrogant.

A naturally caring and nurturing woman is one of the things men find irresistible. Women tend to adore men who are caring on children, elderly, to the people around them and even to their pets. And it is the same with men, they also find caring women adorable. Your motherly instinct to care for other people and any living things around you makes men adore you. Seeing your caring nature, a man can feel that he sees a deeper part of you which sets you apart from other women. Men want caring and compassionate women.

The brain is the sexiest part of the human body and so a woman’s intelligence is one of the things men find irresistible. Men admire women who can talk about anything under the sun. A good conversation with a smart woman can be addicting to some men. Who wouldn’t want to be with an educated smart woman? There are even surveys that educated women are more likely to stick with their man, making a more stable relationship. Of course women should know how to differentiate working from dating. Some educated women who are successful in their jobs tend to act as if they are still at work when they are dating which turns men off.

A woman’s hair and legs are two things men find irresistible. It is true that men look for more than just great looks in a woman because a relationship based on physical attraction alone could not withstand the test of time. But it cannot be denied that men are men and there are physical features of women that they cannot resist. To be able to know men in a deeper level and to get a chance to show your admirable traits, you should first get his attention. Take care of your hair because it is a great tool to attract the attention of the opposite sex. The hair is a person’s crowning glory and it makes women look sexy. When a woman is playing with her hair around her fingers, men read this body language as flirting and this is one indication that the hair have great impact on men. While there are men who find women with short hair attractive, most men find wavy long locks sexy and irresistible because it is more feminine. Most men prefer the natural long wavy shiny hair than those perfectly well-kept styled hair. Aside from a woman’s hair, men also find women’s legs irresistible. Men love legs that look great on skirts, shorts and swimsuits. Take care of your legs including your feet and toes because there is something sexy about them that men find irresistible.

A woman who is passionate about life is irresistible. Women who are passionate about their dreams or their ambition are amazingly attractive. These kind of women usually inspire other people (including men) to do better. Guys love to see women who are goal driven and motivated to accomplish their dreams. While there are men who could be intimidated by ambitious women, there are men who find them sexy and attractive. Women who are passionate with their ambition are more likely to attract men who are also passionate about life.